If there is one influential force in my life that I have more mixed feelings about than anything else, it's change. Some days I love it, others I hate it. What's so bad about change? Nothing, in principle, as new things are awesome. The tough part is letting go of old stuff that one gets so comfortable with...
I have been out of Streams Academy New Hampshire for a little over 2 months now. During that time, I have revisited nearly every core group of people or friends that I've been involved in at some point in time. The first group was the tournament Scrabble players from the West Coast; we had an awesome time at the Vancouver Club's annual tournament. However, as always with tournaments, it's over almost as quick as it starts, and just like that, the people are gone again. Unless you go to the same Scrabble club weekly to play games, the main method of keeping in touch and playing is via ISC (the Internet Scrabble Club, where people like me play online Scrabble games), or via Facebook. While it works to some extent, it is 1) not the same as interacting with them in person and 2) interacting with a computer really isn't the same as interacting with a person period.
I got settled into Kelowna after the tournament (celebrated my 22nd birthday!), and the very next weekend, went back with my older brother Luke to visit the Streams Academy internship in Vancouver. Some of the people in leadership there went to school with me and Luke in Streams Academy New Hampshire's 06-07 class, including his fiancée Jesse (same name as me, I know!). We were going for an engagement party being thrown for Luke and Jesse, and for two other engaged couples in the internship. While some of the people were welcoming, I was stunned at the way I was treated by some of those that I had gone to school with; it was almost like I'd never even been a part of their lives. At one point after something happened, I was so overcome with emotion I walked out of the party, went down the street and cried. It took some time to forgive them, and while I have, God used it to show me that what needed to be accomplished in my life through the 06/07 class was done; that season of my life was through.
In early April, I went to Calgary to help Mom with the landscaping business that we own as a family there. While it's not my favorite thing in the world to do, it is an great source of quick income, so I agreed to go for a few weeks. When I wasn't working, I went to visit my old church, SunWest Christian Fellowship. I got to see the young people I used to hang out with from my young adult group, and while it was fun to catch up, I felt distant. Granted, there are still several individuals from SunWest I keep in contact semi-regularly with, but those are more "we can pick it up right from where we left off" relationships. I'm blessed to have them. However, like with the others, I felt a little distant; they've gotten on with their lives, and I've had yet to get on with mine.
On another of my days off in Calgary (due to a snowstorm a few days before), I went to visit SAIT, where I got my web development diploma in '05. I had the privilege of catching up with several of my former professors, but the theme with everyone else I'd met up with in Calgary remained: distance. I felt welcome, and even like at some point it was home, but no longer.
In late April, I decided sporadically to go on a trip back to the Boston area to play in a high-profile Scrabble tournament being held there. Getting there was comical; I was laid over in SFO overnight due to delays, my baggage was lost for several days, a dog had peed on the floor of a bus that I rode on at the airport in Boston, the list could go on...like at the Vancouver tournament, I had an awesome time with the East Coast Scrabblers. In the tournament, I actually placed fairly high, so I won money. It was pretty cool; like Vancouver though, it was over all too soon. I had a day before flying home, so I decided to surprise my former intern class ('07-'08) and show up for a night to say hello. It turned out all but one of them (Sharon Felder, South Carolina) had gone on a roadtrip to UConn for the weekend. Sharon picked me up from the New London bus stop and promised not to tell anyone I was coming. We got back to the girl's lodging house, and caught up with each other on stories and such. When I heard the vans full of people coming up the driveway, I took my ice cream outside and just casually ate it, waiting for them to notice I was there. You shoulda seen them run out the car at me! I felt very loved and welcomed, the most I had in quite some time. Even in New Hampshire though, I couldn't help but reach the same conclusion I had everywhere else: it had been home, what happened while I had lived there was great, but home it was no longer.
When I got back from Boston, I stayed in Vancouver for a few days. I went to go visit Trevor Lewis (Langley, BC), my old next-door neighbour when I lived in Langley from 1994-1998. I talked with him and his family some, and then went out to the back bush area to see where we used to explore and play as kids. It was completely different; a tree with a swing on it that we once used had since been cut down, and the 'mudslide' hill that we'd toboggan down in the winter had since been infested with weeds and waste materials from building projects. I looked for a sideways-growing tree that we'd built a fort on (the Beaver Lodge, we called it), but it was lost among the random plant growth, weeds and waste materials that now dominate the area. I also briefly looked into the backyard of my old house; very little looked the same. The house siding was still white, the basketball court was still there, otherwise the rest was completely made over. It hardly even felt like I'd lived there. While it was good to catch up with Trevor, the universal feeling of distantness I'd been getting everywhere else also showed up in Langley that night.
The next weekend I drove down from Vancouver to Oregon to play in one last Scrabble tournament. I'd always wanted to do a road trip with a good friend, and there was finally a chance. I have known James Leong (Vancouver, BC) for 8 years from Scrabble, both in person and online. The whole experience turned out to be a little more difficult than the rest, though; me and James actually fought at one point regarding getting directions versus buying a map of Oregon, and my fairy-tale dream world of a "perfect friendship" crashed down. Me and James had fought online before, but as those were typed fights, it didn't have the same effect. Couple that with a bleh result in the tournament, and being sick up until the last day, and things don't seem so "perfect" anymore. Thankfully, getting to hang out once more with West Coast Scrabblers (including some who couldn't make it to Vancouver) was fun again; we even got to play Ultimate Frisbee one evening! Due to a tough last day of losing all 4 of my games, I actually got kinda mad and didn't really want to stick around; I asked James if we could drive back, and so off we went. It took about an hour to let the steam off, and realize that Scrabble, albeit fun at times, has consumed my time, money and even my emotions, and the reality is, there has not been a huge payoff.
While I will likely never stop playing Scrabble competitively, I am beginning to wonder how much of my time will be invested in improving at it. If one wants to be elite, it takes a lot of game playing experience, and a whole lot of studying (words and strategy). I don't want to spend my young adult years doing that, yet at the same time, I get affirmation from performing well in Scrabble, so I'm tugged back and forth. There is so much I want to get really good at, but realistically, the time is not there to do 'everything'. The problem with wanting to get really good at stuff is doing so for the wrong reasons. I know my affirmation should not come from stuff I do, especially in how well I do it. I am still struggling to allow my affirmation to just come from God first.
What's next for me? It's not too terribly clear, unfortunately. Here's what I noticed though: 8 is the number of new beginnings, and it's the year 2008. Almost everything that up to this year has been a dominant part of my life is either losing its appeal or has lost its prominence. After this year, Scrabble will likely fade off to near nothingness in terms of tournament activity. As nostalgic as I get when I watch youth playing league soccer, it seems like a lifetime ago that I ever took part or had the desire to take part again. As hard as that will be to do, I think it will be for the best. I know that music needs to be part of my life more, due to the sheer joy that I get from singing and/or playing the piano. On a random note, near the end of this year I will be going to Guatemala to take Spanish immersion, as I've always wanted to learn to speak the language properly, and what better time than the year of new beginnings?
Ultimately, I am feeling the Lord's peace most when I am in Kelowna, so I know this is where I am supposed to be right now. While uncertain about what's immediately next, I am excited to see where God takes me. At the same time, I'm scared to step out. Did I mention that I have mixed feelings about change?
